Pie & Pegasi
by CadenceofRain
Summary: Sequel to The Steamy Misadventures of Soarin. It all begins with the morning after their wild night, and two Pegasi have to figure out where they stand. What crazy situations and awkward moments could their encounter lead to? Only time will tell...
1. The Morning After

Spitfire rolled over, breathing in through her nose and blinking rapidly as she rejoined the waking world. She turned her head to the right, her chin smearing pie residue across the expensive pillow, and her eyes widened. _Oh dear Celestia. That HAPPENED._

Much more awake than she was before, she rolled in the opposite direction, meeting a wide, stupid grin, inches from her face.

"Hey there!"

Spitfire squeaked and rolled out of bed backwards, landing in yet more pie upon the carpeted floor. She slid around a bit as she got to her hooves, breathing fast, before she closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down. With a final, deep breath, she came to terms with her situation. _I just had __**sex with Soarin. Holy shit.**_

The revelation that she had willingly had a fling with a close friend didn't upset her so much as entertain her. Spitfire had always been a… free spirit. What truly disturbed her was the feeling that she slowly realized was unavoidable, a feeling that she could not run from, and wasn't sure she wanted to to begin with. She _wanted more_. Not just of his body, of him in general.

Finally regaining control of her speech, she gave her partner from the previous night a smirk. She hid her internal struggle to the best of her ability, confident that he wouldn't pick up on the storm of emotions fighting for dominance inside of her. "Hey there yourself. Have fun last night?" She climbed back into bed and moved closer to Soarin, stopping her advance right near his face as she began to trail a hoof down his chest. "How was the pie?"

Soarin began to stammer a bit at Spitfire's touch, unsure of what she was doing or where this would lead. "Uh… um… it was really good! I think there's still some left!" He craned his neck over his shoulder, facing away from the light yellow pegasus that shared the bed with him. His hoof extended, grabbing a chunk of what was left of the lemon meringue pie, and he brought it to his mouth and munched happily as he turned back to his lover. The look on Spitfire's face confused him even more.

She smacked him in the chest, letting out a noise of disgust as she gave him her best _are-you-fucking-kidding-me _look. "Not _that _pie, jackass."

Soarin blinked. And again. He raised the remains of the dessert to his mouth, taking another bite and chewing slowly. "Uh… what?"

The pegasus mare ran a hoof through her wild mane, smearing cream and lemon filling through it unintentionally as she sighed. "I mean… _my _pie, Soarin…" she said as suggestively as she could, praying that he would pick up on her meaning. Of course, with him, all she could do was pray.

"YOU HAVE PIE? YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE!" He stood up on the bed, excitement reaching the levels of a foal who had just been given a free tray of caramel apples.

Spitfire, who normally considered the cluelessness cute, found her patience wearing thin with the pale blue stallion. "Soarin… be serious here. We just had _sex_. I mean, I've had the odd fling, especially when I was younger, but never with a… a close friend. We really need to talk about this and figure out where we stand." She silently swore to herself that if he replied 'Well I'm standing right here, but you're still lying down!' or any variation of such a statement, she would _end him here and now_.

"Oh. …_oh. _OH!" His green eyes grew to an impressive size as reality started to settle in. He sat down upon his rump, looking down at Spitfire, who suddenly looked serious and a bit unsure of herself. "Yeah… yeah, I guess we did, huh? I mean… I've never actually done that before, are we supposed to celebrate or something?" he asked, tilting his head. "I mean, it was awesome! I just… didn't really expect it!"

_Oh sweet lord, this is going to be a long, LONG fucking day. He was a __**virgin**__? _Thinking back, she should have guessed, given his demeanor and reaction to her advances. However, she shook those thoughts from her head, trying not to be judgmental. At this point, she just hoped that she hadn't inadvertently sabotaged their friendship. _I have to let him down gently, let him know that it wasn't serious, that I'm not looking for more right now. Right?_

…_Am I?_

Spitfire had never considered 'going steady' with anypony before, she was merely content to get up to a little mischief when it suited her. She had been attracted to the odd stallion before on a deeper level than lust, but with her busy lifestyle, an opportunity for true romance had never presented itself. _But… he and I practically live together as it is, given how often we tour. Hell, we wouldn't even need to date, we know each other pretty well already. _She glanced up at his smiling face, feeling a surge of emotion she would have never expected before last night's events. _Maybe… maybe there __**is **__something more here…_

"I… I-I mean, there's no one I would have rather done it with!" he tripped over his words, trying to maintain a smile as he began to panic. "Like… like we've known each other for… forever, right? And I mean you're like _super _beautiful and stuff!"

_He thinks… I'm beautiful? Not even 'cute', or 'hot', but __**beautiful**__?_

"You're… you're not mad, are you?" His heart began to sink as he lowered his neck, making himself smaller. "Oh man, I really messed up. Spitfire, I'm so sorry…"

The bed creaked as she shot up, standing before him. She had made up her mind, and wasn't about to tolerate her wingman and newfound lover feeling guilty about what he had done, what _she_ had started. She placed her hooves on his shoulders, giving him a serious look. "Soarin, no. You didn't mess up, and to be honest… I don't think I did either. I came on to _you, _remember?"

"W-well, I mean, I thought in the end I came onto y- "

_Holy SHIT shut up._ Something about him being innocently dirty made her want to slap him, but she refrained, trying to maintain the seriousness of the moment. "Shh! That isn't what I meant and you know it! I'm trying to be real with you, Soarin! I mean, if it's alright with you, if you're… if you're interested, I… I wouldn't mind being your girl."

Soarin was taken aback yet again. It seemed to be an event becoming increasingly common that day. "W-w-w-w-w-_what_? You… you mean… we're a _couple_ now? You… you wanna be my _marefriend_?"

She fixed him with a warm, loving smile. One without lust, without her usual cocksure attitude. One that she reserved just for him. "If you want me to be."

"Of course I do! I've never had a marefriend! All of the guys on the team say I'm too dumb to get one, but boy are THEY wrong!"

Spitfire couldn't help but giggle a bit. "I don't think you're dumb, Soarin. I mean, not really. A little out there, maybe a bit slow, sometimes. But I think it's cute." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, earning a blush from him as she lowered her hooves back to the mattress. She leaned in for another kiss, a full kiss upon the lips that she maintained for several seconds before breaking it off. _I guess it's official. I'm seeing Soarin now. Hopefully he's in the mood for a little more fun to celebrate._

"Well, my stallion friend," she said while hopping down to the floor. She began to walk toward the bathroom, looking over her shoulder and giving him a half-lidded look as she walked. "I think I'm gonna go shower. Things got a little… _sticky_ last night. I could go for getting a little wet and steamy." She smirked, and walked fully into the other room and out of his sight.

Soarin stood upon the mattress, alone. He looked down at the ruined bed, planning to make it while Spitfire cleaned herself up. He took the topsheet in his mouth, slowly dragging it back and surveying the carnage, when a voice startled him, making him jump a bit.

"Hey! Are you coming or not?"

He stared at her, her face and neck poking around the corner with a look of disbelief. "Uh… uh… I'm allowed to? You want me to shower _with _you?"

Incredulous looks were becoming her specialty that morning. She had a feeling she should get used to making them. "_Yes, _you're allowed, you dolt! For the love of Celestia, _get the hay in here_!"

He leapt off the bed, abandoning the task of cleaning up the room for the task of cleaning up his new marefriend. He suspected they would be getting a little dirty before any cleaning happened, and he was totally alright with that. Things were looking up, and he couldn't wait to see where this new relationship took him. He galloped toward her, unable to contain his happiness. "Here I come, gorgeous!"

She pulled her head back into the bathroom, laughing to herself as she turned on the water. _What have I gotten myself into?_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>What has Spitfire gotten herself into indeed. What zany shenanery will these two get into in the future? How will their relationship play out? Hell, I don't even know, and I'm the one responsible for this mess!

Here it is, chapter one of a series of loosely connected one-shots with the Soarfire ship. I find these two incredibly cute together, and hopefully you will too. This will update sporadically as I think of more things for them to do between my other stories, whenever my muse strikes. Hopefully you all like it, and I didn't ruin what I had going with the prequel. I think this could be a fun, lighthearted diversion from my other work, something completely non-serious and drama-free. It can only get more cute and stupid from here, especially since Soarin is involved, and nothing says cute and stupid like he does.

I know Spitfire may seem a little out of character, but I don't think she is, honestly. Not only does she barely have a character in the show, but she was a bit confused and conflicted in the beginning. Now, however, she's all-in on the relationship and the fun that it could bring. Still, I'd like to hear what you guys think of these two together, and whether or not you like their personalities. Let me know what you think so far!

~SoundofRainfall


	2. Eating Out

Soarin inhaled the steam that enveloped the entire bathroom as he stepped out of the shower, his damp coat dripping water upon the cream-colored tile. He grabbed one of the beach towels hanging upon the rack, and began to rub himself down with it, shaking his head back and forth to work the moisture out of his fur.

Spitfire exited the shower stall as well, placing a hoof upon Soarin's flank for stability as she wobbled on her feet. She was feeling a bit unsteady after their… activities, and shivered a bit as she felt herself wanting even more. However, she knew that continuing their little excursion would exhaust her, and she needed to make a speech to the rest of the team later that day. Her flanks were sore, her throat ached from screaming, and she had a rather large bump upon her forehead from where she had rammed into the shower glass. _So worth it._

The light blue male smiled back at his lover, tossing her the towel and walking up beside her. He decided to attempt being smooth, and lowered his head to nuzzle her hind leg as she moved forward to the mirror. The result was his head slamming into the lip of the tub basin with quite a bit of force.

"Ow!"

Spitfire looked back to him, rolling her light orange eyes. "Geez, Soar. Do you have _any _coordination at all when you're on the ground? It's like I'm babysitting here!"

The pegasus raised his head, frowning. "Heeeeeeeeeey, I'm not THAT bad. I mean, I only fell out of bed what, twice last night while we were…"

She stopped toweling her mane to fix him with a glare. "_Five _times. You fell off of _me _twice. You also fell into the nightstand once on the way down, taking me with you. Into a heap of pie."

Soarin grinned sheepishly, lowering his neck and blushing. He looked back into the shower, where he found the drain absolutely clogged with white and yellow pastry bits, with yet more floating in the knee-deep water remaining in the basin. He suspected that the cleaning crew would need a jackhammer to get the shower back in working order.

"Yeah… well… you said you like it rough. I was just trying to meet your needs!" His head raised, and he gave a full smile, feeling proud of his logic. _Anything for Spitfire!_

Spitfire rolled her eyes yet again, throwing the fluffy towel into his face. She sighed, mussing up her mane a bit into her trademark style so that she would look presentable to the outside world. "Yeah, yeah. I dunno about you, but I'm positively _starving_. You wanna go get something to eat?"

Soarin thought he caught her meaning, having learned that the exploits of the bedroom had various innuendo-laced names, which he was quickly learning. He flopped his head sideways to remove the towel, before waddling over to his lover with a slow walk that he _thought_ looked sexy. His voice lowered, adopting what he liked to call his 'business tone'.

"_So soon? And here I thought you were all… eaten out._" He withdrew a pair of shades from seemingly nowhere, placing them on his eyes as he mentally shouted _YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

A yellow hoof rose to smack the sunglasses off of his face. "_God _you're an idiot. I want actual food. Not sexy-food. _Food_."

Soarin wasn't sure if he was disappointed or not. He _did _love food-food. He blinked, cocking his head to one side. "Well, there's plenty of pie left in the bed!"

Her eyes widened. The bed. Never before had Spitfire seen a more ghastly sight. She walked back into the bedroom, giving the situation a once-over. The blankets were tangled, covered in gelatinous yellow filling and crème, as well as several toys that she had rushed over to grab from her room in the heat of the moment, and… generous amounts of peanut butter. She certainly didn't remember peanut butter getting involved, but somehow, she was not surprised. She always did have a food kink.

Equal amounts of the dessert stuff, sandwich filling, and other unidentified liquids of a sexual nature had found its way to the walls, the lampshades, the curtains, and the floor, leaving stains of pie and… other things in the carpet. One of the two nightstands was knocked over, with a pegasus-head-shaped hole in its side. It lay in yet another mound of pie, a riding crop wedged underneath the piece of furniture. Her eyes followed the direction that the tip of the crop was pointing in, finding a trail of gummy worms and confetti leading to the door, looping around back to the couch (also covered in various stains), and then back into the bedroom.

Her head turned back to Soarin, who had entered the room right behind her. "Please tell me you're kidding. There's no way in hell I'm touching any of that."

Soarin moved forward, bending his neck downward and opening his mouth as he moved toward the… _situation _of food laid out across the bed.

"NO!" She held him back, pulling his face away from the blankets, as she stepped in a glob of peanut butter. "Just… no. Stop. I _will _puke if you do, and I'll make sure it's on you." She looked down, rubbing her hoof furiously into the carpet to remove the substance from her foot, creating another stain in the process.

The cyan male smiled at her, ruffling her mane with a hoof. "I wouldn't have, really. I'm not _that _dumb."

Oh, how many times she had heard those words before. They usually preceded a hospital visit and an alteration of the next few shows' flight lineups.

"Uh-huh. Alright, _Mr. Smooth_. Let's go get some chow. _I_ get to pick the place." Soarin groaned, but gave no protest. The last time he had been responsible for choosing where the Wonderbolts ate, the entire crew had ended up with food poisoning. It was an experience neither of them had forgotten. The sight of Cajun hay fries still made them both nauseous.

They moved as one, stepping in time with each other as they exited the room, Spitfire grabbing Soarin's keys off the wall hook as she exited into the hallway. Soarin flipped the light switch as he followed her, giving one last look to the carnage of the bedroom. He shook his head, and moved to follow Spitfire into the hallway, forgetting to close or lock the door in the process, leaving it cracked open. _Man, I so hope whoever finds that mess is a pony of steel with a big paycheck._

* * *

><p>Fluttershy walked down the hallway of the fifteenth floor of the Ivory Bridle Hotel, on a favor to her friend Rainbow Dash. It was the day after the Gala, and she had wanted to return to the Canterlot Royal Gardens to apologize to the animals that she had snapped at the night before. <em>I hope those precious little bunny-wunnies don't hold it against me. <em>She frowned a little, moving her light pink mane in front of one eye, hiding herself from all of the other ponies in the hall. Which was to say, none.

She clutched a letter in her mouth, which her pegasus friend had given her upon finding out Fluttershy's destination. Rainbow had written Spitfire and Soarin a letter of apology for her actions the previous night, but was too embarrassed to deliver it herself. Therefore, the task fell to Fluttershy, who had stopped to ask Princess Celestia which rooms the two Wonderbolts were staying in.

_There it is, room 1539. That's where Mr. Soarin is staying, and Miss Spitfire is in room 1541, right next to it! I'm so happy I could help my friend! _She smiled to herself, feeling all warm and pleased. She walked up to room 1539, seeing the door cracked open, but was slightly confused as she noticed that all of the lights were out. She paused, feet from the door, considering her options.

_Maybe Mr. Soarin had a long night, and forgot to close his door in his rush to get to bed. Hmm… Maybe Ms. Spitfire would be more responsible anyway. I should give the letter to her._ Fluttershy stood on her hind legs, gently pushing Soarin's door closed without looking inside. After all, she didn't want to be rude.

The pastel pegasus trotted over to room 1541, giving the door a few gentle knocks. "Miss Spitfire? Um… I-I have a letter for you!" She waited patiently at the door for a few moments, before tilting her head sideways. _She's not here. Maybe I should put the letter in Mr. Soarin's room, just to make sure someone gets it. The room is even unlocked, so I could maybe put it on the counter!_

Fluttershy turned around once again, lightly stepping back to room 1539, humming a sweet little tune to herself. She raised a hoof, turned the door handle, and pulled it open. Just as she began to step inside, she looked down at the navy blue carpet, reconsidering. _You know, it would still be pretty rude to enter his room without asking. I'll just give it to Miss Spitfire. _She closed the door, moved to the entrance to room 1541, and slipped the letter under the door. She smiled and closed her eyes, content that she had done her job. A short trot later, she stepped into the elevator, and made her way down to the lobby, intending to return to Ponyville and care for her animal friends.

* * *

><p>The café that Spitfire chose was a quaint, open-air restaurant on the second floor of a bookstore. The two ponies sat upon the balcony, looking out at the busy streets of Canterlot as they ate. Neither had brought their flight suits, wishing to remain mostly unrecognizable to all but their most hardcore fans. That, and their flight suits needed a thorough dry cleaning and perhaps an exorcism and cleansing in holy water before they could be worn again.<p>

Spitfire swirled her spoon in her hot chocolate, staring across the table at Soarin, who was face-deep in a plate of hay fries, which he had topped with barbecue sauce and a bit of salt. She shifted a bit, sighing as she thought about her situation. _I guess I might as well get it out in the open. No better time than now._

"Hey, Soarin?"

He looked up, face dripping with sauce. He wiped his muzzle with a hoof, eyes wide and wondering what was going on. "Yeah?"

"I've got something to tell you. I mean, I don't think it's a big deal, but I'd rather you find out now. I'm bi." _There. Nice and easy. I don't THINK he'd care, but better safe than sorry._

"_You're leaving? _But… but we just started eating!" He began shoveling his fries into his napkin, constructing a makeshift travel bundle that he could take with him. After all, Soarin was not one to waste food.

Spitfire closed her eyes, rolling them upward behind their lids. "No, Soar. I mean I like guys _and _girls."

Soarin blinked. "Well… most ponies do. I mean it'd be kinda stupid not to like someone just becau-"

She put her hooves up to her temples, massaging them to rub out the stupid seeping through the air and into her skull. "Sexually. I like guys _and _girls. I've had… adventures with both. I've only ever REALLY been interested in guys, but girls are fun for a little fling every now and then."

The cyan pony blinked again, clearly lost. "Uh…"

_Oh for the love of Celestia, how can I put this in terms that he would understand? _"Soarin… I like pie. _Sexy-pie_."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" The revelation hit him immediately, and he put his fries back onto his plate, beginning to eat them again immediately. "That's cool! I mean… as long as we're seeing each other it doesn't even matter, right? You wouldn't uh… _be with_ someone else?"

Spitfire rested her elbow on the table, propping her head up with a hoof. "Yeah, I guess. I'm just happy you aren't one of _those _ponies who wants to burn me alive over it. I won't mess around while I'm with you, promise." Monogamy was going to be a difficult venture for the pegasus, but she was confident that she could pull it off. _If I can run the Wonderbolts, I can control my naughty streak. I hope._

Soarin looked up from his fries, his face one of confusion. Spitfire braced herself for the question, expecting the worst.

"Heeeeeeey… how do you even do that? I mean… you don't have a… a… thingy, right? And neither would the other one?"

Her face hit the table.

* * *

><p>Princess Luna walked down the hallway of the fifteenth floor of the Ivory Bridle Hotel, on a favor to her sister Celestia. The Sun Goddess had asked Luna to deliver a formal invitation to perform at the next Summer Sun Celebration, which would again take place in Ponyville to make up for the previous year's… events. Luna found the entire process stupid and unnecessary, as her sister could easily have just informally asked any of the Wonderbolts present at the Gala last night.<p>

Luna _hated _appearing in public, and usually kept to herself, sheltered from the outside world. Her shy and timid nature did not gel with her position, and so she generally stayed in her study tower, unless she was needed. _Oh Tia, why did you have to send me out here with all of these ponies? They're judging meeeeeeeee._ She looked around the hallway, taking note of all of the ponies staring in her direction. Which was to say, none.

Sighing, Luna approached the door to room 1539. She hadn't remembered which Wonderbolt was staying where, but she knew that they were in that general area. _I just want to get this over with. Hopefully they aren't even here and I can just jam the letter under the door and run away. _She knocked her hoof against the door a few times. "H-hello? Is anyone here? I have a letter!"

The force of her hoof against the door dislodged it, causing the door to swing open slowly. She poked her head around the doorframe, and jumped on her hooves as she heard a crash from within the room. _Oh dear! Is someone in trouble? C'mon Luna, be brave! Go help! You're a Princess, after all! Your people need you! _She nodded to herself with a determined look, and bit down upon the letter in her mouth as she galloped into the room.

Her mouth promptly opened as she took in the scene, dropping the letter to the plush carpet. Though Luna didn't know what everything covering the bed, couch, and walls was, she knew enough. _Oh… oh dear… how is this even… why would they… __**with peanut butter…**_

She began blushing furiously, raised a hoof up to her head, and passed out on the floor.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, the happy couple stood in the elevator on the way back to their room. Soarin was grinning stupidly, while an absolutely soaked Spitfire glared at him, leaning against the wall with her hooves crossed.<p>

"Oh come on, it was _so _funny!"

"No, Soarin, pushing me into the Royal Fountains _in front of the mayor of Cloudsdale_ does not count as funny. You're in deep shit, mister."

Soarin frowned, and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. I won't get you wet again. Unless the situation calls for it."

Spitfire raised a brow. _He's getting better at that whole getting dirty thing. Well… assuming that was intentional. _"You'll have to do better than that, flyboy." She turned her nose up at him, fighting to hide her grin.

The male pegasus gave a devilish grin of his own. "I bet I can. I know… _things_ about you. How to make you happy!"

One eye opened in interest. "Oh yeah? And how do you do that?"

Soarin walked over to her, bending low near her waist. His tongue left his mouth, and he traced it along her Cutie Mark in a series of slow circles.

Spitfire's eyes both shot open, and her legs turned to jelly as she fought to stay standing. _OH GOD… HOW DOES HE…_

She shivered with delight, giggling like a schoolfilly and beginning to moan into her hoof. "Oh… oh Soarin no… not here, _please stop_… we can't… not in a public…"

The doors slid open, revealing a group of elderly ponies giving the pair of Wonderbolts the dirtiest looks they could muster. Spitfire felt like she was going to die on the spot. She hurriedly exited, brushing past the ponies to shouts of 'WELL I NEVER' and 'GO GET HER, KID!'. Soarin galloped out of the elevator after her, grinning fully as he stood next to her, proud of his work. She smacked him across the muzzle.

"_NEVER _do that again where we have a chance of getting caught!" She paused. "Unless I tell you to. Got it?"

He nodded, not the least bit sorry for his actions. _Heehee, she's so cute when she's angry._

They reached Soarin's room, noticing that the door was already open and the lights were on. Soarin immediately shrank backwards, knowing that it was probably his fault. _Oh man, I hope nopony's in there… _He chased after Spitfire, who had galloped into the room and gasped.

Spitfire was standing over somepony lying on the ground, unmoving. "_Princess Luna! _Oh man, Soarin we are _so dead!_ Get in here! Help me move the body!"

Soarin rushed to her side, thoroughly confused. "_She's dead?_ What the hay?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Did you check her pulse?"

Spitfire paused, her hooves under Luna's arms, holding her off the ground. "Uh… no?"

_And they call me the dumb one. _"Settle down. I got this." He moved forward, raising a hoof and… letting it hang. "Uh… how do you check a pulse?"

"I DON'T KNOW! HURRY UP AND DO SOMETHING!" Spitfire was in a total state of panic, unable to think at all.

He panicked, placing his hoof on the side of her neck, where he felt a steady heartbeat. "She's alive! We're saved!"

"_Luna? Lu, are you up here?" _came a call from just outside the doorway.

Both ponies froze. They knew that voice. Soarin's mouth hung open, and he stared at Spitfire, who mirrored his expression. _She's right. We are SO DEAD._

Neither had time to do anything to remedy the situation as Princess Celestia herself stepped into the room, making her way over to her sister lying in Spitfire's arms.

"Luna! Oh, there you are! Is she alright?"

Neither pony spoke for a long moment. Finally, Spitfire managed to get her voice working again. "Uh… uh… yeah, she just… passed out, I think. I don't even know what she's doing in here, Your Highness."

"Oh, it's completely understandable. She's done this before. Usually it only happens when she's embarrassed th-"

It was at that moment that Celestia looked up and past the Wonderbolts, taking in the scene before her. The stains upon the walls, bed, couch, and carpet, the candy and confetti all over the floor, the globs of peanut butter everywhere, and the sex toys, one of which was vibrating aggressively into a corner, apparently triggered by the recently-fallen nightstand. She blinked twice, her face unreadable.

_So very, very dead._

There was a long, uncomfortable pause before she spoke again. "Well, it looks like you two have been busy." She took Luna from Spitfire, hoisting her sister over her shoulder with one hoof as she slowly walked to the door. Celestia turned her head back to the dumbstruck pegasi, a winning smile upon her face.

"Next time, I suggest whipped cream. _Much _easier to get out of your coat than peanut butter. Also, cucumbers can be fun, but only when used with _great care_. Don't forget strawberries and chocolate, _especially _chocolate fondue. So much fun to drizzle in… certain places. I also suggest giving leather, ropes, and sex swings a shot, though I understand they aren't for everypony. You could also try roleplaying, or adding a third party. Oh, the memories…"

The couple was absolutely stunned, looking at their Princess like she was from another world.

"...what? When you're around for over a thousand years, you begin to experiment. _Have fun, you two!" _She winked, and walked out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

_What. The. __**Fuck.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> What, you didn't REALLY think I would do that to poor Fluttershy, did you? I wouldn't kill off canon characters unless it was a VERY special case, and I guarantee that Fluttershy walking in upon the scene would have resulted in her having a heart attack or her face exploding clean off of her body. She can remain innocent… for now.

I promise that not EVERY chapter will be all sex-related jokes and stupidity, there will be regular jokes and stupidity, as well as a fair bit of cuteness, as this goes on. I also try not to refer to memes in stories, but for Soarin… he's just so dumb I couldn't resist the one. No idea when chapter 3 will be up, though I do have a few ideas. Hope you're enjoying this little adventure, and hope it may have scarred you for life if at all possible. Oh that naughty, naughty Tia.

~SoundofRainfall


	3. Burning Up

"So, anything specific you wanna do today, babe?"

Soarin reached up to adjust his goggles before realizing that his flight suit was still back in the hotel. Though the uniforms had been thoroughly dry-cleaned and blessed by a preacher who had demanded an exorbitant amount of bits for the deed, both Wonderbolts had come to an agreement that they wished to remain incognito while staying in Canterlot.

"Well… I heard there's this really great bakery somewhere on Fetlock Street, and that's the next intersection…"

Spitfire smiled up at her lover, and nuzzled into the crook of his foreleg, which was wrapped around her neck. "Sounds good to me. I'm sure they'll have lots of great pies, and maybe we can even pick up some whipped cream for later…"

Soarin shuddered at the thought. Their new relationship was working out quite well, and the curse of close friends dating had not yet taken hold, and showed no signs of rearing its ugly head. Soarin considered Spitfire ideal for him in every way, and knew in his heart that they would be together forever. _She's smart, kind, willing to take control, and knows what she wants. The perfect mare… I'm so lucky!_

Both ponies found themselves getting caught up in the scenery of the capital city as they walked, as neither had been granted an extended stay before the 1,473rd Grand Galloping Gala. The sights of artisan ponies painting buildings in the streets, the smells of greasy food from nearby vendor stands, and the constant clogging of the streets by ponies was all typical of city life, but Soarin found that he had never gotten used to it no matter how often he encountered it. He watched as Spitfire bowed to a street musician, and tossed a few bits into his hat. The scruffy looking stallion thanked her profusely, and she fixed him with a sweet smile. _And she's so generous… the perfect captain for our team…_

As they rounded the corner and approached the bakery, Soarin's jade eyes widened. The best bakery in Canterlot stood before him, and the aroma of freshly-risen bread wafted through the air, giving the establishment a homely feel. It had been months, perhaps more than half a year, since he had been able to buy from a true family-owned, independent bakery. Though the apple pie he had purchased from the orange earth pony at the Gala had been fantastic and likely homemade, there was something special to Soarin about being able to watch the food being made in front of him. Spitfire gave him another nuzzle, and he gave her a little squeeze in return. _It's going to be a good day. I've got my love with me, good food, and anonymity. What more could a pony want?_

The second Soarin finished the thought, a loud explosion resounded from within _The_ _Golden Oat Bakery_. The windows blew outward, sending deadly shards of glass into the sides and faces of many foals on a field trip and several elderly ponies, many of whom Soarin recognized from the elevator incident. He crouched low and shielded Spitfire, forcing her to the ground as the projectiles passed over their heads and a river of chocolate began pouring from the doorway. Bright red and orange flames spilled forth from the open windows, charring the tan building and turning its edges deepest black. Many ponies galloped away, screaming as parts of the building rained down upon them, pinning them to the street like bugs in a scientist's collection. A scientist's collection of dessert and **DEATH.**

Seeing a child in danger, Spitfire rushed out from under Soarin's protective embrace, trying to push the foal out of the way of an errant chunk of falling concrete. The talented flier arrived just in time to save the little pony, but could not clear the shadow of the falling bit of building herself in time. She caught the chunk with her back, and was buried by the following rocks, removed from Soarin's sight.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Soarin galloped forward, frantically pawing at the rubble and trying to remove it from atop Spitfire's body as a second explosion rocked the building, sending rubble, bread, and cake frosting spilling out into the busy street. Many more ponies succumbed to a sticky death, coated in desserts and toppings and struck down by falling debris. He watched in sheer horror as the building imploded, sending a river of apple filling out toward him, which he rapidly backed away from.

As he was moving backward, he felt something bump into him, and looked up and behind him while stepping his hooves out of the knee-deep lake of apple filling and chocolate that had flooded the street. Princess Celestia stood in an inflatable raft, holding a paddle with a determined look in her eyes, which Soarin could barely see through the gimp mask she was sporting. Her entire body was encased in a leather harness decorated with skulls and crossbones upon it, and her flanks were bright red. She stared resolutely at the scene before her as she adjusted her pirate hat and squinted her uncovered eye, and began a slow paddling up to the entombed Spitfire. With her powerful Alicorn magic, she removed the rubble, revealing no trace of Spitfire at all beneath the fallen debris.

Soarin sputtered, clearly at a loss. The river of chocolate and apples began rising in height, and had found its way up to his neck. He swam frantically, fighting with all of his might to stay afloat. "B-but… your Majesty… is she… is she…"

Celestia spat out her ball gag before replying. "I do not know. I cannot feel her life energy here." She shifted, and the leather creaked in response. "However, there are more pressing concerns. All of the pie crust in Equestria had recently been moved here, and with this explosion, pie as a concept has ended. The Pie Farms have all closed down, and I am afraid that your favorite dessert is no more. Unless… the one source remains…"

Soarin floated limply in the sticky sea, crying in earnest for his true lost love, apple pie. "H-how could this happen? It… it doesn't make any sense! I have to find that last pie! I have to consume that final bastion of appley sweetness!"

Celestia gave him a sympathetic look as the world around them faded to white.

"No, Soarin. You _are_ the last pie."

And then Soarin was a pie.

* * *

><p>"<strong>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"<strong> Soarin sat up in bed and brought a hoof to his forehead as he screamed. Spitfire, who had been curled into his side, jumped as well, snorting as she slowly blinked her eyes open.

"Mmmmmmmmnzgh?" The mare coughed twice and sniffled loudly, opening and closing her mouth a few times in a yawn before trying to form an actual sentence. "W-wha… bad dream?"she slurred.

Soarin had a thin layer of cold sweat across his entire body. He ran a hoof through his azure mane, shaking the entire time. "A-a-all of the pie… all of the pie in the world… it was gone!" He threw the blankets off of his body and hugged himself, shivering.

Spitfire rolled her eyes before rolling over herself. _Is that seriously all he thinks about? Pie? Ugh, I'm going back to sleep. I feel like shit, and I can't deal with this right now. _The mare pulled the blankets away from Soarin, cocooning herself within them to obtain maximum warmth.

Soarin continued opening and closing his mouth while staring at her back. He finally decided to speak more, and tell his best friend of what had truly worried him. "S-spitfire?"

She gave an annoyed sigh, and a grunt of acknowledgement.

"It… it got worse…"

"What, were all of the cakes gone, too? _Oh my, what a crisis._" She pulled the blankets tighter around herself and over her head, wanting nothing more than to return to sleep.

"No… you were gone. I thought you… I thought you died, and I tried to get to you, but you were just… you were just… gone…" Soarin started to tear up. The dream had felt so real that he almost believed it. Well, except for the flooding of the streets with sweets and Celestia's… attire.

…_what? Is he serious? _Spitfire slowly rolled over and considered him with bloodshot eyes. She saw that he was about ready to cry, and finally pulled herself to sit up in bed next to him, sniffling as she did so. A worried smile crept its way across her face as she moved to hug him. Soarin returned the embrace immediately. _Aw, he's like a little foal… how can I stay mad at him…_

"Shh, I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Were you… really that worried about me?"

Soarin nodded into her shoulder, fighting back tears. "I don't ever want to lose you, even if… even if the dream was really dumb. You're the best, Spitty."

Spitfire immediately broke the hug, pulling back and making a disgusted face. "_Spitty?_ Is that really the best you can do? Never, **ever** call me that again. Ever."

Soarin gave her a cheeky grin, his intentional jab having worked to great effect. "I won't. I really was worried, though."

Spitfire gave him a lopsided smile, and found her heart warming at his concern for her. _I'm so lucky to have him. Absolute dolt sometimes or no, he really does care… _She coughed a bit, hacking into her hoof as she propped her back up with a pillow, leaning into it to keep herself looking at him as her nose began to feel runny. "You're really sweet, you know? Whether you're trying to be or not, I'm happy I have you too."

Soarin couldn't help but stare at her. He chuckled at the imperfect portrait of his rudely-awakened marefriend, who was scratching her head with a hoof. Though she had just woken up, was unshowered, and her mane was pressed against the side of her face from being pushed into the mattress all night, he still found her to be the most beautiful mare he had ever seen. The force of her natural sexiness began to overtake him, and he gave her a lusty grin.

"So… sexytime?"

Spitfire let out a heavy sigh, and rolled her eyes. The stuffiness of her nose caused her voice to come out in a muffled tone, and she tried to clear her throat before speaking. "Can't you tell I'm sick? That would be a _horrible_ idea! Neither of us would enjoy it, and you'd catch whatever I've got!"

Soarin stood up upon the bed in alarm. "_You're sick?_ Since when! You NEVER get sick!"

Spitfire sneezed, bringing up her hoof to cover her nose as she did so. "I know. Ugh, it feels so weird, but… I have a feeling I'm staying in bed for most of the day." Her eyes widened as she realized what day it was, and immediately threw the blankets off of herself and trotted into the bathroom, coughing and sniffling all the while. Soarin leapt after her, and followed the mare.

"Hey, what are you doing? You said you were sick, get back in bed!"

Spitfire spat a glob of toothpaste into the sink, halting her frantic brushing to see Soarin's worried face over her shoulder in the mirror. She shook her head, and continued cleaning her teeth as he sighed.

"Oh, come on! What could be this important? If you're sick, you're sick! Go sleep until you feel better." He lowered his neck to nuzzle her as she put the toothbrush back into its stand, next to his own. A heavy sigh escaped her as she gave in to the warmth of his neck against hers, and she felt some of her tension involuntarily flee at his touch. Her amber eyes met his own as she turned and sniffled, rubbing her nose with a hoof.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. You know how I get when there are things to get done, and I have to assemble the rest of the team for a meeting today. We've gotta go over our plans for making a new show routine, and they can't do that without me. Our off season starts in a week, and every day we waste just gives us less and less time to come up with something. I really do appreciate the concern, Soar, but… I have to pull myself together."

Soarin lowered his head as he watched her shakily walk back to the bed and grab her goggles. When the mare trotted back to the bathroom, anticipating a quick shower, he stopped her in the doorway with his body, and surrounded her in a tight hug.

"No. Go back to bed. I'm second in command, I'll make the speech. I can handle it! Trust me!"

Spitfire raised a brow as she inhaled his masculine scent. "Well… you're sure? I thought you didn't like talking to groups?"

He squeezed her again before looking down at her and stroking her mane with a hoof. "Positive. I might not be the best speech-maker, but I can get the point across. Anything for you!"

Spitfire hung her head as Soarin let go of her, and she decided that just this once, she would admit defeat. _This may end in disaster, but he means well. And… he's right, I never do take time for myself, even when I really need it. What's the worst that could happen? _She allowed herself one more deep breath into his chest, his scent calming her more than the most expensive candle possibly could.

"Alright, I'll let you give it a shot. Meeting's in the auxiliary room on the bottom floor in an hour. Just… give the team some kind of inspiring speech, and try to gather opinions on what we should do next. I don't expect you to be able to put together new choreography, especially without me there, but at least we won't have to cancel and I won't be half dead."

Reassured that the day wouldn't be lost without her, Spitfire walked back to her bed, Soarin in tow. As she climbed under the covers, the stallion moved to tuck her in, and ruffled her mane one last time.

_She's so cute. I'll make you proud, honey, I promise!_

Another large yawn broke the silence, and Soarin found Spitfire was staring up at him with an expectant gaze.

"Well? Isn't this the part where you say you don't care that I'm sick, and kiss me? And then I get better by tomorrow, while you end up sick as a dog and then I have to take care of you the next day? Don't you know _anything_ about romance, Soar?"

Soarin immediately backed away from the bed, his lips drawing back as he squinted in horror. "Ew! Hay no, I'm not gonna kiss you! You're like… all _diseased _and stuff right now! I don't wanna be sick!"

"Diseased, huh? Thanks for the confidence booster."

Spitfire sighed and rolled her eyes, settling for the quick nuzzle he gave her before he backed away. "Fine, fine. I expect a full report whenever I wake up, mister. I'll definitely be out cold until at least noon, probably longer, so don't come back in here and disturb me unless you need to. Good luck!"

Soarin nodded at the new information, and left the room. As he stepped into the hallway from Spitfire's room, where they had both decided to live for their remaining stay at the hotel, he gave his own room a quick glance before turning away. Police tape with biohazard symbols upon it was strung up across the door, and a professional cleaning crew in full hazmat gear was busy scrubbing the carpets with some sort of foaming substance. Soarin hung his head in shame, quickly trotting past the workers as he made his way to the elevator.

* * *

><p>"Hey there, my fellow flier… ponies. We are gathered here today to celebrate… are we celebrating? Uh… well… we're good at flying! We need to fly more soon, and we need to do something new! I think."<p>

A pale green hoof shot up from the crowd, and Soarin took the question with a nod.

"Where's Spitfire?"

Soarin gulped. "Uh… w-well… She's uh… she was sick this morning, and I offered to cover for her." He stared back at the questioner, finding it hard to tell which of the many Wonderbolts it was, due to all of their uniforms looking identical. _Oh, man, I'm already messing this up!_

A purple hoof shot up immediately, and Soarin's face fell. He knew that only one purple pegasus belonged to the team, and he also knew that she indulged in gossip as often as possible. He didn't even give her permission to speak before she loudly voiced the question on everypony's minds.

"How do _you _know? It's like 7am, dude. Were you sleeping in her room?" The bubbly mare squealed in delight, taking her wild, and yet accurate, accusations one step further. "_Are you two together? OHMYGOSHTHAT'SSOCUTE!"_

Crazed chatter began to fly back and forth throughout the room as Soarin nearly had a heart attack. _Ooooooooh crap. What do I do? Do I tell them? Will Spitfire get mad?_

Soarin banged a hoof on the podium, vying for order as the ponies in the crowd eagerly waited on his answer with bated breath.

"Uh… um… yeah. Yeah we are. B-but we're just starting out, so… so don't assume… stuff!"

Around eight simultaneous '_Aaaaaaaaaaw's _from the female members of the team echoed through the empty room, and the questioning immediately began again.

"Is Spitfire your first marefriend?"

"Isn't she like… three years older than you?"

"Do you REALLY think it's going to last? She's a total playfilly! You'll be last year's model in like a week!"

Soarin began to blush hard, burying his face in his hooves as he rested his elbows against the podium. _Oh, great, I've done it now. Why did I say anything? Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

"Alright, alright! Enough! Everypony just… just stop!" He had dug himself a hole already, and figured that giving them some information might get them to stop hounding him and prevent them from teasing Spitfire, at least for a little while. "Yes, she's my first, yes, she's older, and how dare you! Don't believe everything you read on the Ponynet! Spitfire is really sweet, and even if she… uh… did get a little wild before… she wants to settle down now!"

Another chorus of _Awww!_ Soarin couldn't stop his blush, and decided to speak again before anypony else could. "No more stuff like that! Flight questions only! What happens between me and Spitfire is our business, and you'll find out if we want you to know!"

A stallion raised his hoof, and Soarin recognized him as one of the more serious members of the team. He sighed in relief, hoping that the male would help to rein in the original topic of the gathering.

"Yeah?"

"…so… was she good?"

Soarin's face hit the podium, and he found himself starting to get angry.

"GUYS! COME ON! THIS ISN'T WHY WE'RE HERE! WE NEED TO GET THINGS DONE, OR SPITFIRE WILL GET MAD AT ME!"

A few of the gathered fliers laughed at this statement, while others started chiding the rest for their persistence. The crowd seemed to be in an even split between wanting all of the details on Soarin's personal life with Spitfire and those who wanted to just move on with the meeting, and Soarin quickly realized that he no longer had any control over the situation.

"Alright, meeting's over. I can't do this. You guys are gonna have to wait for Spitfire to get better. Sorry."

Soarin slid out from behind the podium and galloped from the room, his head hung in shame. He heard the other team members arguing as he closed the door behind him and stepped into the hallway, and he shook his head. _That was awful! Hopefully Spitfire can fix it. She always knows what to do…_

The clock on the wall in the main lobby read 7:12, and Soarin knew that he couldn't go back up to Spitfire. He sighed, and walked out of the revolving glass door and into the busy streets of Canterlot, trying to find somewhere to get away to. He knew that he had screwed up fantastically, and began to feel depressed with himself. _I need a pie. Or a cookie. Or a pie with cookies in it. What am I supposed to do for the rest of the day without her? I miss her already…_

Crowds of ponies passed around him as he walked aimlessly down the streets, looking at various shop signs and vendors as he went. He noticed that his mind was entirely focused upon Spitfire the entire time, and his concerns were for her health alone. The tongue-lashing he would receive for messing up the meeting so badly was barely a worry to him the farther he walked, and he realized that in truth, all he really cared about was Spitfire getting better and being happy. He stopped walking abruptly, and sat down in front of a furniture shop.

_Hmm… what can I do to make her happy when she wakes up… I could maybe buy her something nice! Yeah! But… what? What would Spitfire want that could make her feel better…_

Soarin titled his head to the side, mulling over his options. In truth, Canterlot was the shopping capital of Equestria, and Soarin could have found anything had he looked long enough. But he had a different idea. _Maybe I should get help on this one. I don't wanna screw this up, too! Hmm… do I know any long-term couples that could help me out? Maybe they'd have some advice on how to cheer Spitfire up…_

The realization hit him almost immediately. _I know who I could go to! They've been together forever, and they're close friends! Plenty of time to fly over there, too! Heehee, I'll make today the best day ever, just for Spitfire!_

Soarin broke out into a gallop, spread his wings, and took off toward Ponyville.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Wait, there's an actual plot now? At least for this chapter and the next one, yes, there is.

Sorry that this probably wasn't as funny as the rest of this story, but I did warn you guys that cuteness might take over for a bit. Hopefully it wasn't too disappointing. Next chapter will see some hilarity, though. I hope. This is really only the first half of what I had planned for chapter 3, so the main idea for chapter 4 is already in place, and I know what I want to do for 5, as well. It may take me a while to update again, though, as I want to focus on some other one-shots and starting _Crossroads _somewhat soon.

Hopefully you're all still interested even though things got all fluffy. Who could Soarin possibly know in Ponyville? Is it a canon couple, or another piece of absolute madness? Is Celestia really a nymphomaniac pirate in her private life? Will anything in this story ever make a shred of sense in the end? You'll just have to wait and see…

~SoundofRainfall


	4. Foreign Perils

The harsh wind whipped around the stallion's body at high speeds, causing him to lower his neck and close his eyes in a futile attempt to keep out the swirling dust. He risked squinting a single emerald hue open, peering with all of his focus through the miasma of swirling leaves and dirt flying up around him. The trials he had faced to get this far, the adversity and heartache caused by his long, arduous journey, the temptations he had been subjected to throughout his quest for truth, the constant delaying of his quest by a certain poison, the ever-present repetition of mornings, and the arrival at a crossroads, none of that mattered now. The final surviving pilgrim of his cause stood resolutely against the elements, breathing laboriously as he dragged his tired body forward. His epic journey had completely drained him, and more than once, the cyan stallion felt as though he was nearing collapse, as though to give in and admit that he was not strong enough would be the only rational solution. He pressed on, slowly losing hope and faith in his cause the farther he walked. He fell to his knees upon the ground, lungs heaving with effort as he prepared to hang his head and cry in total despair.

But then he saw it. It was like a beacon of shining, fuchsia hope reflecting the glory of the sun to the otherwise humdrum surroundings of the village. The shining tower of light and life before him, bedecked in otherworldy accoutrements, stood in stark contrast to the drab and desperate feel of the rest of the encircling plains. The tower, alit with three blazing fires of glory atop it, cast an imposing silhouette that reached all the way to the pegasus' prostrate form. He kneeled before it, overwhelmed with feeling due to the sheer emotional weight of the resplendent sight. He panted in anticipation and absolute wonder, knowing full well that his body was not ready. Nothing had ever moved him so, and he lay upon the ground, alone in his understanding of the unmatched perfection standing mere feet in front of him. A single, salty tear rolled down his cheek as his lower lip quivered in awe and appreciation of the blessings he was about to receive.

Yes, the journey had been long, and much bloodshed and sacrifice had been necessary to make it to this final bastion of hope. This place where pure ecstasy could bring the most hopeless pony back from the brink of self-destructive anguish. Where ponies had tasted of life's greatest treasures, and in doing so, found an almost religious renewal of their lives in all aspects. Where hopes and wishes whispered secretly to the stars manifested as tangible reality, and all pilgrimages and quests eventually lead to. Where each day, birth of beautiful, unspoiled, and completely natural creations was witnessed time and time again as the fires of new life surged with love and ingenuity. Where our hero truly belonged. Where dreams were born, and nightmares went to die. Sugarcube Corner.

Soarin stood with a smile, his mouth watering as he wiped his stray tear from his face with a hoof and took in the sight of the massive pink building before him.

_Oh man oh man oh maaaaaan! I haven't been back here in years! Not only do they have the BEST pies around, but Mr. and Mrs. Cake are the most committed couple I've ever known! They work together, just like me and Spitty, and they love each other just like we do! They'll know __**exactly**__ how to make her feel better!_

Soarin began a light canter toward the building, nodding and smiling at the ponies giving his now-dirty form strange looks. Before entering, Soarin shook himself vigorously, sending a cloud of filth flying off of his body as he flicked his tail. Falling into the dirt out of admiration for a bakery may not have been the brightest idea, but the determined male was beyond caring at this point. Only about an inch of glass and a wooden frame stood between himself and culinary perfection, and despite the strenuous twenty minute flight from Canterlot, Soarin felt that he could make the final push.

_Here we go. For Spitty! For pie! For GLORY!_

The stallion pushed his head into the door slowly, and was met with immediate resistance. He looked up in horror, completely unable to believe that the shop was closed. His mouth dropped open in shock, and he once again fell to his knees, leaning his forehead into the cool glass.

_N-no… I… I failed… it's all over…_

Soarin's body was thrown back by a seemingly supernatural force, and he tumbled end over end, rolling in the dirt as he scrambled to his hooves. He glared hard in his attacker's direction, only to find a wall-eyed grey pegasus with a mailbag holding open the door against which he had previously been leaning.

"Um. It's a pull-door, not a push-door, from the outside. You're doing it wrong."

Soarin grinned sheepishly and blushed, lowering his head and neck as his wings drooped. "Heheh… oh. That makes sense."

The pegasus pony smiled at him and turned to walk back inside the shop, Soarin following right behind her. The pair was immediately greeted by an enthusiastic pink mare, who bounced around from behind the counter to meet them.

"Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! Can I get you any cakes, or pies, or tarts, or crumbles, or brownies, or muffins, o-"

"MUFFINS! _**ALL **_THE MUFFINS!"

"Of course! Coming right up!"

The pink pony walked into the back room of the kitchen as she hummed a jaunty tune, leaving the pair of strangers to stand alone in the middle of the floor. Soarin made an awkward attempt at conversation to pass the time, and soon found himself regretting it.

"Um… _all_ of the muffins?"

The disheveled mare spun to face Soarin instantly, her eyes spinning in all directions while she regarded him with a hungry look. "_All of them. Do you have some? I must collect them aaaaaaaaaall._"

Soarin blinked and raised a hoof. "But… when you have them all, what will you do with them?"

The mysterious mailmare blinked in response. "Uh… I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I just w-MUFFINS!"

The shopkeeper had emerged with a tray of freshly-baked, chocolate-covered muffins. The impatient mailmare tossed a few bits upon the counter, before grabbing the entire tray in her mouth and rushing out the door. Soarin shifted awkwardly before staring at the grinning pony before him.

"Um. Are Mr. and Mrs. Cake here? I… don't recognize you… and I kinda need to ask them for advice."

The pink party pony gave a quick bounce to get closer to Soarin, and pressed her face right up into his with a wide smile. Their noses touched, and the mare giggled in response.

"I'm Pinkie Pie! The Cakes are out, but I'd be glad to help you with anything you need! You said you need advice, right? I can give advice! I'm a great advice-giver!"

Soarin felt a tingle go through his everything as he heard the mare's name spoken aloud. "You can? YAAAAAAAY!"

Pinkie's eyes lit up, and she responded in kind while throwing her hooves up in the air. "YAAAAAAAAY!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"WHY ARE WE YAY-ING?"

"I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES WHEN I'M HAPPY!"

"OH, OK!"

Pinkie fell back to her hooves, bouncing as she closed her eyes. Suddenly, she stopped, and leaned back to rest an elbow upon the glass counter that held all of the display sweets within it. "Soooooo… what do you need advice for?"

Soarin immediately blushed at the thought of telling the more-or-less complete stranger about his new relationship. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say, especially since he knew that Spitfire didn't want their newfound love to go public just yet. But something about the mare before him made him feel like he could trust her. Something in her eyes said that she knew the value of keeping secrets, and so, he decided to go with his gut, and ask Pinkie for advice.

"Well… I just got my first marefriend, and she's sick. _Really_ sick. I think it might actually be fatal."

Pinkie gasped in shock, covering her mouth with a hoof. "_Fatal_? Are you sure?"

Soarin shook his head. "No. But if I dramatize it, I'll get more sympathy. Anyway, Spitty is coughing and sneezing and she's all diseased and stuff, so I wanted to get her something nice so she would start to feel better. But… we haven't been dating that long, and I don't have the slightest idea what to do!"

Pinkie scrunched up her face while she considered the problem with a hoof under her chin. Finally, she arrived at the perfect conclusion. The one, true answer to all problems in Equestria.

"SHE NEEDS A PARTY!"

Pinkie threw her hooves up in the air with great joy, causing confetti to burst forth from the ether and fall to the floor. Soarin jumped back in surprise at the younger mare's actions, thoroughly amused, but unsure of her methods.

"I dunno if that's such a good idea. She is _really_ sick after all. This one time…" Soarin said as he made a twisting gesture with his hoof in the air, "she rolled over and _coughed_."

Pinkie gasped in surprise.

Soarin narrowed his eyes and suddenly became very serious. "And after that… she _sneezed_."

Pinkie backed into the counter, putting both front hooves against the glass so that she would be able to stay standing. She moved a hoof over her heart and closed her eyes, shaking her head to block out the tales of terror that the stallion was forcing upon her. "No more! No more! Alright, we can't have a party!"

The shop suddenly became silent as both ponies considered their options. Soarin had been counting on the Cakes to help him out, and with Pinkie's idea already shot down, he was unsure of what else to do. He gave Pinkie a forlorn look, and was surprised to see that the mare had regained her jubilant expression from before.

"Why are you smiling so much? This is seriously bad!"

Pinkie gave him yet another smile. "Well, my special talent just so happens to be making ponies happy! So… don't give up yet! I'm sure I'll think of something!"

Soarin began to look worried, and decided to wander about the shop while his companion thought to herself. His eyes swept across the display cabinets, taking in the various pastries and other desserts. The temptation was just too great, and he soon found himself nearly drooling in anticipation at the prospect of gaining access to one of the pies trapped in the glass prison. He stood upon his hind legs, placing his front hooves and muzzle against the glass, staring intently at a particular apple pie. It called to him in a sweet voice, causing a siren song of fattening promises to swirl throughout his thoughts.

"GOT IT!"

Soarin smacked his head into the glass in surprise, and looked up with wide eyes at the previously pensive pony. She was once again bouncing, barely able to contain her enthusiasm.

"WE CAN BAKE HER SOMETHING! IF YOU HELP MAKE IT, SHE'S GONNA LOVE IT EVEN MORE!"

Pinkie continued to bounce as Soarin watched in horror. He had attempted to bake a grand total of once, and the attempt had produced a blackened lump fit only for use as a projectile. Many an apple had been lost that day, and the tragedy still weighed heavily on his heart. _Oh, the dessert that could have been…_

"Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Pinkie was right up in his face again, and Soarin backed away in shock, causing his rump to impact the counter. "Uh… yeah. I just… I'm not good at… bakery…"

Pinkie only smiled wider. "Oh! That's okay! How about this: I can bake a cake, and you can decorate it! C'mon it'll be fun!"

Soarin wasn't sure how he felt about the idea, but truly had none better. He mulled over his options for a bit, and finally decided that perhaps it wasn't a bad plan at all.

"Alright! That sounds like fun! I'll just wait out here, I guess. I don't wanna disturb you while you're baking."

Pinkie gave a light giggle in response. "No, silly! I've got a better idea. You said it's your first relationship, riiiiiiiiight?"

Soarin nodded as his eyes widened.

"Sooooo… are you two having sexy fun yet?"

The forwardness of the question caught Soarin off guard, and his wings flew out to the side as he began to blush heavily. "Um… w-well… sometimes… sometimes we uh… yeah…"

Pinkie giggled yet again. "Well, if _that's_ the kind of advice you need, I know exactly where to send you. Want some tips? My friend is the best when it comes to that sort of thing…"

If Soarin got any redder, he likely would have been confused for a winged tomato. He lowered his head and neck, looking up at her with scared, childish eyes as he stammered out a response.

"U-uh um. If… if it would make it even better… I guess so."

Pinkie gave a mischievous smirk. "Oh, it'll make it better, I can promise you that. Let me write down the address, and you can go talk to my friend while I bake the cake itself. It'll be ready in about an hour, so make sure to come back soon!"

She disappeared through the swinging doors to the kitchen, and Soarin immediately thought to himself that something was about to go terribly wrong.

* * *

><p>Soarin stood outside a small, flat-roofed house on the edge of Ponyville, staring confusedly at the shaking structure. Thundering bass was causing the walls to vibrate slowly, distorting the sound and giving the impression that whoever lived there must surely have been deaf. Nopony could survive in such noisy conditions for long, and Soarin found himself silently praying that the noise would stop once he made his way inside. He slowly raised a hoof to the doorbell, and pushed it with great hesitance.<p>

The music stopped nearly immediately, and he heard a shout come from within the house.

"_Come in!_"

Soarin gently pushed the door open and stepped inside. The little flat seemed to be a mostly normal home, but appeared completely vacant. Various pizza boxes and empty cans of energy drinks were scattered all over the countertops and couch, and the place looked like it hadn't been cleaned in well over a year.

"_Downstairs!_"

His eyes wandered throughout the room, slowly searching for a staircase. He finally spotted a likely door, and walked over to it. Pushing it open revealed a staircase leading down to another door, from behind which a neon blue light was emanating. Curious, Soarin made his way down the steps cautiously, and nudged the final door open with the side of his head.

"Welcome to the _Looooooove _Castle. Dr. Scratch is in, and ready to see you, babe. Having sex problems, or are you here for a little fun?"

Soarin once again blushed immediately. Before him was an ivory-coated unicorn, laying on her back with her hooves out to the sides, head tilted upside-down and backwards, away from view. The bean bag chair under her reflected the swirling patterns of the light blue lava lamp atop a shelf in the far corner of the room, and Soarin got the distinct impression that the mare was absolutely exhausted. He watched as she slowly attempted to sip a soda while remaining upside-down, and ended up spilling it all over her chin and deep blue mane.

"Shit!"

She immediately shot upright, her ruby eyes locking with Soarin's own emerald ones. She raised a brow in interest, and quickly trotted away into a small bathroom to wash the soda out of her hair while she called to him through the wall.

"_Soarin, right?_"

Soarin froze. He certainly didn't recognize the unicorn, and was at a complete loss as to how she had recognized him.

"Uh… yeah. I don't know you, do I?"

"_Probably not, but I **definitely** know you. You crashed into my turntable stand during that one air show I got hired to play for. That shit cost me **serious** money to fix!_"

Soarin immediately connected the dots in his mind, a feat that he was incredibly proud of. He had never been good at connecting dots, and coloring inside the lines was another trial with which he had struggled as a child. And adult.

"Wait… you're DJ PON-3? Oh boy…"

The sopping wet mare emerged from the bathroom, her mane dripping into the white carpet as she walked up to him with a smile. "Yep. That'd be me. Call me Vinyl, though. So… can I help you with something?"

Their close proximity unnerved Soarin a bit, and he found himself strangely attracted to the mare before him. First that delicious-looking pie had tested his love, and now this electric temptress was clearly coming on to him, in his mind, anyway. Would the trials never cease?

"UH… UM…"

Vinyl raised a brow. "Uh… chill out, man. I'm just assuming somepony sent you to me for advice? I mean, we don't exactly know each other, so why else would you be here?"

Soarin breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh. Uh… right! W-well… Pinkie Pie sent me here for… um… advice about…"

"Sex?"

Soarin blushed yet again, and forced himself to look away. "Yeah."

The drenched DJ gave a light laugh, and put a hoof upon his cheek, forcing him to look at her once again. "Hey, don't get all shy and shit. It's totally cool, you don't need to get all embarrassed. If you don't wanna talk about it, I won't force you. But I _am_ The Love Doctor, and I'm sure I could make what you've got goin' on even better…"

The mare turned, flicking her tail suggestively as she walked back to her bean bag and sat down. The material crunched under her as she flopped in a most unsexy manner and reached for another soda with a crazy straw in it. She raised a brow and waited for Soarin to begin speaking. The male sat and regarded her with a blank stare. Vinyl stared back, and removed her lips from the straw before rolling her eyes.

"Sex problems. Go."

Soarin's eyes widened. "Oh! Right! Well…"

Vinyl leaned forward a bit in interest, giving him her trademark grin as he began to speak.

"W-well… sometimes… I fall off of her. I have terrible balance."

Vinyl immediately stopped drinking, finding herself almost choking on the bubbly liquid as she did her best to contain a snort. "You _fall off of her_? You mean like… you two are goin' at it, and you just…"

Soarin refused to meet her eyes, and sat down heavily upon the shag carpet, looking instead at the postered walls. "Um… slide out, and just kinda… yeah. I've fallen off of the bed a few times too. I still have bruises."

Vinyl was unable to stop the laugh, and had to set her soda down upon the nearby coffee table to avoid spilling it again. She wiped her eyes with a hoof while Soarin glared daggers at her.

"Hey! You said you would help!"

The mare waved a hoof, snorting as she did so. "I will! I will! It's just… this isn't the kind of thing I expected. At all. Okay, hold on." She took a deep breath, and slowly braced herself for the incoming stupidity. Vinyl really wasn't even sure what to say, so she decided to have a little fun with him.

"Alright, here's what you do. I want you to get a beanie."

"A beanie?"

"A beanie. With a propeller on it. It'll help with your balance."

"It will?"

Vinyl snickered. "Totally. Also, I suggest you get some socks. They seem to be all the rage, after all. Attach some Velcro to 'em, that way you'll have an easier time holding on to her. And it'll be hilarious."

Soarin grinned. "It will? Spitty loves funny stuff!"

Vinyl raised a brow again. "Spitty? You don't mean…" She gave the stallion a devilish grin."You're with Spitfire, aren't you…"

Soarin swallowed hard. "You know her? H-how…"

Vinyl waved a hoof. "She signs the checks whenever I DJ for you guys, of course I know her. She _is_ pretty hot, man. You're one lucky stallion." She did her best to keep her mirth in check, knowing that Soarin was hanging on her every word. The mare slowly stood up and walked over to him before continuing.

"Now, when you've got the beanie and the socks worked out, I want you to work on your yelling voice. Just… yell the first thing that comes to your mind."

"**PIE!**"

Vinyl jumped back and tucked a hoof in under herself while her brows raised in surprise. "Not now, man! When the moment comes! You know what I'm talking about!"

"Oh… right."

Vinyl shook her head, and decided that that would be _more_ than enough 'help' for the male. She walked over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, causing him to blush even further. "Alright, man. Lemme know how that works out for ya. If you need more…" she paused to snicker, "_advice_, make sure to come on back to me." She gave him a quick wink before returning back to her bean bag, resuming the position he had found her in and taking the soda back in her hoof.

Soarin walked through the archway and began to ascend the stairs after giving her a quick thanks, and Vinyl sipped her soda as she watched him go. She grinned a bit after she heard him leave the house, wishing she could be there to see the misadventure sure to unfold if he actually took her words seriously.

_That'll teach him to break my speakers. Watch where you're flying next time, jackass._

* * *

><p>Soarin trotted through the hallway of the Ivory Bridle Hotel, holding a string in his mouth, which supported the weight of the box around which it was wrapped. He had a distinct bounce in his step, and was <em>very<em> pleased with how the cake had come out. His heart and soul had been put into the thoughtful decoration, and he just _knew_ that Spitfire was going to absolutely love it. Soarin picked up his pace as he galloped to the door and set the box upon the navy blue carpet of the hallway.

_Oh man! This is gonna be great! I hope she's awake… I forgot my key __**again**__..._

He raised a hoof and knocked rapidly against the door, before standing patiently with the box back in his mouth. The sound of hooffalls scampering toward the doorway thudded through the hall, and the portal flew open to reveal Rainbow Dash.

"WHOA! SOARIN?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>WOW it has been a long time since I even looked at this story. It's not dead, though. The rest is actually all planned out except for the ending, which will be chapter 8 or 9. Definitely not waiting so long to do chapter 5 it at all possible.

Long story short: I COMPLETELY forgot where I was going with Mr. and Mrs. Cake in this story, and kinda had to scrap that plotline. I think this works better anyway, but yeah. Sorry for making Vinyl a little bit vindictive, but it's all in good fun, and I needed an excuse to put Soarin in socks and a beanie at some point. I'm sure that will go over well…

Also, I skipped Soarin going back to Pinkie for a reason (other than laziness). There's only so much I can do with Spitfire absent for this chapter, and although derp is funny, a derp overload might get old. That's also why this story is about halfway done now. I would rather keep it entertaining and somewhat short than have it drag on and overuse the same jokes. Spitfire will be back in the next chapter, and help to balance out Soarin's blatant stupidity a bit. Maybe.

NEXT UP: I have an idea for a one-shot that I MIGHT write soon, but I'm also done re-reading _The Endless Sky_ in full, and will be officially starting to write Crossroads this weekend. It's finally happening. About time, huh?

~SoundofRainfall


	5. THAT CHAPTER WITH THE GORILLA

The gorilla thundered through the underbrush, his chest heaving as he snorted, narrowing his eyes in determination. There was no way this was the end. No way he was going to let those damned pegasi tag him with another dart. No way he was going back… _there_.

"WARGLRARJAJRKGJK!" the beast screamed in fury, pounding a muscular arm into its chest while tossing an errant fern out of the way of its rampage. Still he soldiered on, despite the lasers fling all around him.

"We've almost got him, Lightfoot! Keep firing!"

The voice of the pegasus mare rang out through the jungle, startling various creatures who immediately moved to scatter throughout the shrubbery. The gorilla's heart was pounding, and the rush of his panicked blood was almost audible within his own h-

"_Soarin?"_

ead as he ran, dodging laser fire as best he could. A sharp, searing pain cut through his shoulder, causing him to release a primal scream. The pain was intense, far worse than any the primate had ever ex-

"_SOARIN!"_

perienced before, but he wouldn't let it slow him down. He couldn't. To fail now meant to be captured, and to be captured meant going back to the facility. The facility where cruel experiments were run, where precious life was sto-

"_SOARIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"_

The quick slap jolted the daydreaming stallion from his thoughts, and Soarin shook his head rapidly to clear the vivid images from his mind. Before him stood Spitfire, looking very much embarrassed, with a curious-looking Rainbow Dash pressed tightly to her side.

"Uh… Spitfire, is he always like this?"

The saffron pegasus sighed and brought a hoof up to her forehead. "Yeah, pretty much. Head back inside, I'll be there in a minute."

The smaller pegasus offered a small blush and a nod before retreating behind Spitfire and moving back into the bedroom. As soon as the door closed, a high-pitched squeal rang throughout the hallway, to which Spitfire immediately rolled her eyes.

"Sweet kid, really. She came to apologize in pony. Didn't think the letter was enough of an apology for what went down at the Gala, or whatever." The mare shrugged and stood on her hind legs, leaning back into the door as she nonchalantly inspected a hoof. "So, what's in the box, stud?"

Soarin looked down at the box, fully prepared to explain his plan, when something occurred to him. A violet burst of light danced across his vision as he was swept into a flashback, and somewhere in the distance, Shining Armor keeled over and died, but nopony cared.

Back in Soarin's mind was the gorilla, running madly, before he brought a hoof up to the side of his head and smacked himself to change the channel. Not the memory he was looking for. With another two smacks, he had it, and the scene from just a few days ago began to replay in his memories.

_There Spitfire sat, wearing fishnets and a leather corset. Soarin himself was sitting across from her, completely naked and devouring his French fries as the two idly chatted in the open-air café._

"_Soarin, babe?"_

_Soarin looked up with interest, and regarded his lover with adoring eyes. She was so hot. Like fire. Fire that could spit._

"_I'd totally fuck a mare. Just sayin'."_

All at once, Soarin was drawn back into the present, and his eyes widened in horror.

_Spitty likes mares and stallions. There's a mare in her room. __**COMPETITION ALERT. ALL SOARINS TO BATTLE STATIONS.**_

Soarin stood upright, furrowing his brow as he glared directly at his pegasus partner. Spitfire held his gaze, one eyebrow raised as she blew a stray lock of hair from her face.

"Babe? You alright?"

"Fine, and better than any mare!" Soarin dipped down and grabbed the box with a smooth spinning motion, before holding it out in front of himself and putting on a sultry look. Which is to say he tilted his head slightly to the left and stuck his tongue out. "I made you a cake! Because I love you so much, and I wanted you to get better!"

Spitfire lowered her hoof down in front of her chest, a look of utter adoration and surprise sweeping over her face as she did so. "You… made me a cake? Really?"

Soarin nodded enthusiastically. "No. I just decorated it, but it's the thought that counts, and I'm your coltfriend that you totally wouldn't cheat on! That's what I'm supposed to do!"

The mare blinked, slightly confused at Soarin's sudden cheeky smile and strange mannerisms. "Soar? You alright? And… I am feeling better, by the way…"

"Yes! I'm good! Better than good! Wonderful! Like a Wonderbolt! Which I am, remember? Best coltfriend _ever!_" Soarin flashed a wide grin and began to sweat, worried beyond all reason that the gorilla wouldn't escape and that his lover might no longer be his.

Spitfire offered a warm smile and dropped to all fours before extending a hoof toward the cake. "Yeah, I guess you are, huh?" Soarin beamed as she flipped open the top, and Spitfire's eyes widened in surprise at what lay beneath within the cardboard box.

A bright blue cake, topped with miniature dolphins swimming toward a large caliber machine gun took up the entire bottom of the box. A sugar model of Spitfire lay atop the weapon, froze in a sultry pose, while an equally-sized model of Soarin was placed upside-down in a random spot within the icing ocean. Topping the intricate and extremely confusing display was a beach ball constructed of spun sugar nestled dead center in the cake, and topped with a fez.

Spitfire was unsure what to say, and blinked rapidly upon seeing the confection. Despite the strangeness and blatant… _Soarin-ness_, she had to admit that it did look good…

"Aw, thanks, Soar. You know just how to… do whatever the hay it is that you do." The mare leaned in for a quick peck on the cheek, and Soarin pumped a hoof as he felt his confidence rise.

_Soarin: one, Rainbow Dash: NEGATIVE ALL THE POINTS._

"So uh, let's head on inside. Rainbow's probably dying in there, especially with _two_ Wonderbolts so close." Spitfire smiled and turned to open the door, leaving Soarin to carry the cake in behind her. The entire procession was held up by Rainbow Dash, who was standing mere inches behind the door as it opened, wearing the widest smile that either of the other pegasi had ever seen.

"So… uh, guys. What's up? Are we gonna do something cool? I-I mean… if I'm allowed to stay for a bit! I don't want to impose!" Rainbow coughed. "_YesIdo,"_ she added under her breath.

"Hm… well, I'm kinda hungry, but it's a little early for cake. What if the three of us grab lunch?" Spitfire proposed. Various alarms went off in Soarin's head immediately, but he was far too slow to stop the snowballing momentum.

"Lunch? With _two Wonderbolts?_ Oh man, this is gonna be _so awesome!_" Rainbow hopped on her back hooves, squealing madly as Soarin fought to keep the grin off his face. After all, she _was_ a fan, and he did love fans…

"Sounds good. Lead the way!"

Soarin placed the cake upon the nearby countertop and turned to find Rainbow leaning in toward Spitfire, her wings extended and head tilted slightly. The stallion was frozen to the spot, a look of horror plastered upon his face as… Rainbow Dash touched a hoof to his lover's cheek.

"You had some dirt. I got it off," the polychromatic flier stated while shaking her hoof off with a smile.

"Oh." Spitfire blinked. "Well, thanks!"

Rainbow Dash merely nodded and followed Spitfire out of the room and into the hallway. Soarin stood, stunned, and feeling very much alone. Narrowing his brows in determination, he resolved to win Spitfire back. _He_ was the only one permitted to touch Spitty's cheeks, facial or otherwise. Suddenly, the idea came to him with all the speed of something relatively fast: he had to impress her. Outdo Rainbow Dash, and the mare was his once again.

_I've got this. Time to impress… Soarin style._

And with that, the stallion promptly exited the room to join the waiting girls.

* * *

><p>"Here again? Why here? Why did it have to be here? Why are we here? We're… we're here. Here. <em>Heeeeeeeeeeere…<em>"

Spitfire raised a brow and tucked a hoof under herself as Soarin stood next to the table, a look of horror plastered upon his face. In his mind, it was The Table of Destiny. The very same table at which his only partially-accurate memories told him that his mare was potentially being unfaithful. The same café, the same seating, but with a new pony added to ruin the fun.

"But Soar, I thought you liked this place. This was our first… well. Y'know." Spitfire gave a wry smile, not quite willing to say it aloud. Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow as she moved over to one of the waiting seats and plopped down, putting her elbows atop the table.

"Your first what?"

"Nothing!" Soarin answered quickly. "Um… let's just eat. I GET TO SIT NEXT TO SPITTY!"

The light yellow pegasus brought a hoof into her face with a fair amount of force before pushing out a sigh. "Soarin… it's a circular table. _Both_ of you are sitting next to me. What is your deal today?"

"I don't have a deal! I'm deal-free! Heh… eheh…" Soarin lowered his wings, whimpering slightly as Spitfire glared him down. Somehow, he was losing ground. He needed to impress her, and fast. His mind working overtime, Soarin sat down quietly in his chair before standing up immediately and pulling Spitfire's out. The mare gave him a quizzical look, chased by a warm smile and a slightly warmer blush.

"…thanks." As Spitfire sat down, Rainbow picked up a menu and began to read. Soarin followed suit, making sure that he would decide upon his order before she did. As his mind worked at double speed, his eyes roamed the menu with a barely-contained fury.

_Hay fries. Nothing but hay fries. Hay fries and barbecue sauce. I hope the gorilla is alright. Hay fries. Spitfire's ass. Hay. Ass. Gorilla. Ass. Hay. SECRET LESBIAN TRAITORS!_

The stallion slammed his menu down, standing upright and thrusting a hoof into Rainbow's face, much to the smaller mare's surprise. The poor pegasus jumped, tucking her forelegs in defensively as the stallion glared her down.

"D-did I do something wrong?"

"I CHALLENGE YOU! I CHALLENGE YOU TO… TO AN EATING CONTEST! THE WINNER GETS… WELL, YOU'LL SEE!"

The prize in question narrowed her eyes, slightly confused and very annoyed. "Soarin, would you just chill out already? Geeze, we're supposed to be on a bit of an undercover vacation! Everypony is looking at us now!"

Soarin shrank back into his seat, fuming. "The contest still stands. Whoever can eat a plate of hay fries first wins… stuff. Stuff that the other pony can't touch." The stallion stuck his tongue out, making sure to be as mature as possible.

Spitfire reached across the table and touched Rainbow's hoof, trying desperately to calm the shaking mare. "He's not usually this… _whatever_. I'm really sorry."

"No, it's okay!" Rainbow shook her head and flashed a cheeky grin. "I like… stuff!"

"I'M SURE YOU DO!"

"_SOARIN! SHUT UP!_"

Spitfire glared daggers at the stallion, but Rainbow placed her hoof atop Spitfire's before silently vowing never to wash it again. "I'll compete. I mean… you're the only two ponies in Equestria I might not be able to out-fly, so… I'll take a shot at out-eating him. It'll be fun!" Rainbow nodded and lightly bumped Soarin upon the shoulder with her hoof. "Game on, Soarin!"

Just before Soarin could respond, a white earth pony wearing a tuxedo walked up to the table, holding a platter outward with a single hoof. "Are you all ready to order?"

"Hay fries. Two plates. She's going down." Soarin snorted in determination as he handed the menu over to the waiting stallion. Rainbow smirked confidently, flexing her wings and rolling her shoulders a bit as Spitfire buried her face in her hooves.

"A garden salad. And Maretrin, if you have any."

The waiter shook his head, sighing as he turned away from the other two ponies who were engaging in a foreleg-flexing contest. "I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't have medicine at the café."

Spitfire looked up and pointed a hoof across the table in exasperation at her beau, who was busy trying to balance a glass atop his nose to impress the smaller mare. "_Look_ at what I'm dealing with, man. How about alcohol? You guys have alcohol, yeah?"

The waiter continued to watch as Soarin dropped his glass, shattering it on the tile below as Rainbow moved to imitate his actions. "…I'll bring you a bottle of our strongest stuff. On the house, Miss Spitfire."

Spitfire's eyes widened, and she quickly handed over her menu as well. "You recognize me even out of the suit?"

"Indeed. I do have to charge you for the broken glass…" a shattering sound rang out as Rainbow dropped hers as well "…es. I'm sure you understand."

"Absolutely. Just… hurry. I can't deal with this sober."

The earth pony nodded and quickly trotted away to go and retrieve the orders. Spitfire resigned herself to wondering where she went wrong as Soarin started a 'picking up broken glass' contest, only to cut himself and begin wailing loudly. Rainbow Dash fashioned a tourniquet out of her napkin, and then used the cloth to begin sweeping the shards off the floor while Soarin glared at her furiously.

_What the __**hell**__ is going on? Why is he being so… so… UGH!_

Having had more than enough for one day, Spitfire slammed her hoof into the table, causing both of the other pegasi to jump in surprise.

"_Look._ Soarin, I have no idea what's gotten into you, but after this little contest, we need to have a talk. Rainbow, I'm sorry he's being so ridiculous. I'll make it up to you somehow."

The cyan flier shrunk back in her seat, unnerved by the sight of her idol being so serious. "Spitfire, uh… um, it's alright. I'm kinda having fun. I just wish I knew why I'm being challenged to all of these contests… or whatever," the pony mumbled.

"Don't act like you don't know,' Soarin responded.

"Do _you_ know?" came Spitfire's retort.

"Uh… partially?"

Spitfire cast her hooves up into the air before settling back into her seat with a defeated huff. "Just… eat your damned fries. Afterward, you and I need to have words." The mare crossed her arms and turned her head, only to snap it back immediately as the waiter returned.

"Thank Celestia. No, don't even give me a glass." Spitfire waved her hoof as the stallion replaced the expensive crystal upon the tray. "And… don't give them any either, come to think of it." The waiter smirked and set the food down before turning to leave, and Spitfire uncorked the bottle of expensive wine and brought it to her lips.

Two plates of hay fries piled high, letting off steam in the afternoon sun now rested atop the table, and the two contestants glared down at the food, and then each other.

"You're goin' down, flyboy. I mean… Second-in-Command Soarin. Who I totally admire. Like a lot." Rainbow blushed furiously, hanging her head to hide the scarlet tint on her cheeks.

"Yeah, well… not without a fight."

Spitfire tilted the bottle downward, making a hollow popping noise with her lips as she pointed it at Soarin. "Get her, Baby. I MEAN… stallion I'm totally not involved with at all. You've got this."

The little title caused Soarin's heart to flutter, as he thought he knew what Spitfire meant. Maybe. With a confident smile, he tried to crack his hooves and failed, because you can't exactly crack hooves. Settling for licking his lips instead, the male turned to Spitfire, and gave a quick nod. "Count us in… _not-Babe._"

The blushing Wonderbolt took another swig, feeling a bit of warmth rush through her body, though from the alcohol or Soarin, she wasn't quite sure. Perhaps there was a certain charm to his thickness? That was a question that would have to wait. Spitfire leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table and her hooves under her chin as she set the bottle down and raised a brow.

"The wheel of fate is turning…"

Both competing pegasi primed their wings, though neither was quite sure why.

"Rebel One…"

Soarin leaned over his plate, eyes locked upon the mountain of fries below. Rainbow Dash licked her lips, planting her hooves firmly into the wrought-iron table.

"ACTION!" Spitfire brought her hoof down, and Soarin unleashed a mighty cry.

"FOR THE GORILLA!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>…I did say last chapter that there was no way it would be another two month wait. It was almost six! See? I'm so awesome!

Anyway, life and other shit (like _Scented Venom…_) got in the way, but this story is NOT dead. Two or three more chapters to go, depending on how things shake out, and they WILL be completed sooner than later. I doubt that this ridiculousness was worth such a wait, but I'll see this through to the end. I actually want to start doing something serious with Spitfire and Soarin soon, so this story is somewhat dragging me down… but I want to finish it off and stick to the original plan as much as I can. _Night_ chapter 2 is up next, and then _Electric Labyrinth _chapter 2. Expect the first of those very, very soon!

-SoundofRainfall


End file.
